Well God has his own set of plans and I ended up having the boys on Sunday August 28th, 2005 our move was planned for Thursday September 7th, 2005. 1 week after having a C-section we moved into the house. I of course was supposed to be resting and not doing any kind of lifting or extreme exercises (ha) well I moved anyways. We had help from family and friends. But I never had a chance to go through my things and get rid of what I didn’t want.
Over the next 6 years, I’d go through spurts of let’s get rid of this or let’s get rid of that and heavily cleaning up and out for company or parties. But in the end I’d always get to a certain point and just go ok I can’t take it anymore and call it quits. (I hate having my house a wreck!)
About a month ago, I’d had enough of not finding things and holding on to things that I didn’t particularly want and started with the office. For 2 of the past 6 years I lived in my living room when I needed to use the computer because it was such a wreck in the office literally it was our junk room. So I cleaned out the office, and went ooh its summer lets go through the boys clothes, from there I said I’m tired of things falling on me when I open my cabinets and cleaned out and up the kitchen, then went to the pantry for my 6 month clean out, from there I cleaned up the living room, the linen closets, my craft closet, and finally moved to my bedroom.
Today was Closet day. Since I started the major clean out of the house. (Which at the time I started the office, I hadn’t planned to do the entire house it, just kind of snowballed and I was tired of it all at the same time lol) I haven’t particularly been eating well or exercised like I had been doing. And was feeling pretty guilty because where I had nicer muscle tone is jiggly again and the weight I had lost I’ve quickly gained back, and my summer stuff was starting to get snug again. I was just feeling blah about it all.
Well going through my closet was one thing I was dreading. It was a huge mess, and I didn’t want to see all the clothes I was wearing in literal comparison to what I have worn in the past, Basically I didn’t want to see just what kind of mess I let myself become. Just to give you a good example I have every size pant from a size 6 through a size 12 in my closet Because Over the last 6 years I’ve bounced that much between sizes! I am by no means a skinny girl. Even at 110 lbs I wasn’t bone thin. It just really isn’t easy for me to lose weight. I gain until I reach a certain weight and that’s it I sit at that weight, and no matter what kind of exercising I do it takes Months before the scale tips in my favor, and by that point I’ve all but given up hope.
After I had the boys I dropped a ton of weight. I weighed 170lbs (and wore a size 6) before getting pregnant with them, and 205 the day I gave birth, but just 4 months after having the boys I weighed 135lbs. I didn’t do anything in particular. I had 2 newborn infants and a house to put away, my eating was sporadic, and I just didn’t take great care of myself. And that’s the trend I’ve stuck to since. By the time the boys first birthday rolled around I was back to the normal 180lbs (a size 12) my eating hadn’t changed, matter of fact the only thing that changed was the numbers on the scale. When the boys 3rd birthday rolled around I was absolutely horrified at pictures of myself. No I hadn’t gained weight but yes I did appear to have. So I saw a weight loss doctor. I lost a total of 35lbs (weighing in somewhere around 145-150 lbs) and was down from a size 12 to a size 6. But as soon as I stopped exercising and eating correctly I ballooned back up. Not all the way thank goodness but far enough that it’s pathetic. I set out to make a change in myself yet again. But this time I didn’t have as far to go.
Anyways before I had stopped working out I made it back down to a size 10. THE RIGHT AND HEALTHY WAY I might add. So there was a huge fear when I went into the closet to try on clothes and get rid of what I didn’t want or what didn’t fit. I hit the section of size 8’s and started trying them on (I guess maybe hoping for motivation or maybe to torture myself, at this moment I’m not really sure) and low and behold I actually can wear some of them (and they really fit, not tight!)!
Needless to say I nearly had a meltdown. I was really harping on myself about how poorly I’ve treated myself over the past 6 years and of course as someone who struggles with weight constantly when the scale jumps you freak out. I’m not one that just panics so bad I won’t eat but I do get conscious of the food choices I make.
That’s where the therapy comes in to play. I’ve gotten a very poor body image over the last 6 years. Before I had my boys I was an extremely Active 20 years old who had time to put into her. And to top it off, I exercised when I could. After having the kids of course they take priority but just by the end of the day I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, pair that with the little to no eating of breakfast and practically skipping lunch all together then scarfing down a large (late) dinner. And the fact that I have imbalanced hormones (PCOS) it just made me balloon quickly.
Over time I got so insecure and discussed with my appearance I quit looking in the mirror other than at my face and hair, because anytime I did I’d just get depressed. I didn’t feel pretty or attractive anymore, much less myself. I felt that if I could look in the mirror and see flaws then so can everyone else that looks at me. When I was younger and thin, I was very self conscious, and insecure. I even thought I was fat because I wasn’t as thin as the other girls were. And I was put down about it from people I thought had my best interest in mind. (Some of that still remains today.)
I’ve come to learn a lot in the last 6 years, but this lesson I’ve had coming my entire life. I think today just seals the deal.
1.) You will always be harder on yourself than others are on you. I’m not one to hold on to grudges or things that hurt because I feel like when you dwell on them that gives power back to those people or hurtful things and takes away from yourself. I’m not one that EVER gives in to what people want from me.
2.) You’re not as fat as you think you are. Ok that one maybe an obvious but I couldn’t leave it out!
3.) Self worth isn’t what you see in the mirror, it’s how you view yourself. There have been times in the past 6 years that I’ve looked at someone else with envy or jealousy, and thought, wow I wish I looked like her! I should have more self respect than that. I’m beautiful too!
I think I’m finally ready to get back to being me, at whatever size I’m going to be, as long as I’m doing the right things, eating healthy and exercising. The mirror will no longer control how I feel about myself!
So now you guys know what I have been up to lately, Cleaning house, both literally and metaphorically! J And I am almost finished! So I shall return I promise!
